Your Marriage Can Work

Conditional and unconditional love

Only when we are love unconditionally can we experience the feelings of being understood at the deepest level. Unconditional love means total acceptance of the person as they are for what they are. It involves recognising their uniqueness and individuality. It acknowledges the person's strengths and inner resources and allows them to be themselves. The greatest gift we can give to our partner is to allow them to function in a way that is right for them, be themselves, thereby providing the opportunity for them to reach their potential.

Unconditional love does not mean that in accepting the person as they are for what they are, we have to put up with unacceptable behaviour from them. It does not give them the right to infringe upon our rights as a person, or to be insensitive to our needs and feelings.

Conditional love, on the other hand, is always second-grade. Its stance is, 'I will love you if you act in the way I want you to act, be what I want you to be, and please me in all things. I expect you to subdue and even submerge your individuality, personality, rights and feelings in order to live up to my expectations of you, whether or not these are in your best interests or are fair to you. If you measure up to my expectation of you, you will have my love and support.' Growth cannot take place in this climate. Personal growth will be inhibited, and it is doubtful if a bonding process can take place between the couple where one or either is extending only conditional love.

I mentioned earlier that both partners should grow on two levels - in their relationship, and as an individual. The relationship may 'hold together' if the state of conditional love exists, but it certainly will not grow. Both partners will miss out on both the personal and couple relationship levels.

We can never reach our potential for either ourselves, our partner or anybody else, if we only ever experience the negative climate of conditional love. The partner who refuses to love the one closest to them unconditionally, is not only depriving them of one of their greatest needs but is in actual fact selling themselves short. They are missing out on what they could have from their relationship. They will never know what they have missed because they are never likely to experience it.

Trust

As well as understanding and accepting one's partner on the deepest level, trust is also necessary in establishing the climate of intimacy in a couple relationship.

Trusting your partner means giving them the benefit of the doubt in every situation, as well as giving them credit for having a good motive. No marriage relationship can be sustained without trust; the lack of it will very quickly undermine and may ultimately destroy the relationship. Here are some of the essential components of trust in a relationship:

To allow our partner to be themselves

To give them credit for having a good motive, even though we may not understand their behaviour

To recognise and accept the essential goodness and worth of our partner

To trust our partner sufficiently to be honest about our needs

To encourage them to be honest about theirs

A relationship will experience unremitting pressure and misunderstanding if there is a lack of trust. It is important that we are prepared to reach out in trust, and if necessary 'trust till it hurts'. If our partner occasionally fails in this area, we should not be too hard on them. What right have we to expect them to be infallible? If there is a continual betrayal of trust, the problem comes into a different category, and must be seriously addressed. It may be necessary for us to tell our partner in all seriousness how we feel about their betrayal of trust and its likely long-term effect upon our couple relationship. If the situation is ongoing, then professional help is certainly called for.

Giving a person credit for having a good motive is not always easy. Yet it is essential if we are to have a relationship that is steadily building up, and is satisfying and fulfilling to both partners. The more we are able to reach out to other people in trust, the more emotionally mature we are likely to be.




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