At Peace with Yourself

We all risk unnecessary stress and guilt if we do not understand, own, and accept our emotions. We may experience guilt because of the way we feel, and may even go so far as to put ourselves down because of our negative emotions. How often do we say to ourselves: 'If I was a better Christian - a more mature adult - more in control - a better human being (etc) I would not feel this way'?

In sending this type of internal message we do ourselves a disservice. We also create unnecessary stress. The worst form of stress is created by feeding in negative messages and having an unrealistic expectation of ourselves.

Many people suffer all their lives because they do not accept and come to terms with the feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, fear, despair, grief, sadness, down feelings, unhappiness and jealousy which they experience. The very fact that they have such emotions at all makes them think less of themselves. All too often they use those feelings as weapons which they turn on themselves, just like Jodie did. To take something which is generated at a deep level within and use it to our own disadvantage must surely be the ultimate in self-destruction. Non-acceptance of self equals self-rejection. It is all too easy to lower our self-esteem by blaming ourselves for feeling the way we do. Our self-esteem must be adversely affected by such blame, and the effect on one who already has a low self-esteem is devastating. What we saw in Jodie's case was the effect of inappropriate self-blame on her self-esteem. It is enough to cope with the primary stress caused by the initial emotion we experience - for example, anger. It is too much to have to also cope with the secondary stress of further negative emotions - namely, guilt. It is quite enough for me to own, accept and (hopefully) express my anger, without also having to come to terms with feeling guilty for having been angry in the first place. In many instances, secondary stress can be more severe than the primary stress generated by the original emotion.

Overcoming secondary stress

So how can we overcome this destructive secondary stress and come to terms with our feelings? How can we minimise excessive and unnecessary pain-of-feeling, while still accepting that there will always be some pain attached to experiencing certain emotions? Firstly, by owning and accepting our feelings. This is quite different from liking them. I am not asking you to like feeling angry, fearful, upset or whatever. I am asking you to accept that at the time this is the way you are feeling. There is the world of difference between liking and accepting these emotions. If you can accept that you are feeling the way you are with as much peace and calmness as possible, you will come to terms with and work through these powerful emotions more quickly. You will also reduce the resulting stress, thereby defusing it to some extent. This leaves you in a much better position to handle the initial feeling wisely and express it constructively - that is, in a way that will not damage other people or be destructive to you. Acceptance is the key to defusing powerful negative emotions.

Accepting feelings

As fallible human beings in an imperfect world we are all subject to a whole gamut of feelings. I think it is almost impossible to go through life without experiencing such feelings as despair, anger, resentment, frustration and grief. These seem to arise from nowhere, pulled from us against our will by all sorts of factors over which we appear to have little or no control. Feelings are so transient and fragile, and are subject to many influences - health, hormonal balance, environment, other people, pressure, childhood/social conditioning, and so on. It is almost impossible to list all the things which generate them. This being so, it is important to realise that we are not responsible for the feelings we experience - they are merely our natural response to these and other factors. We are only responsible for the way we handle and express our feelings. If I feel angry because you have put me down, I am not responsible for my feelings of anger. But if I verbally abuse you because of my angry feelings, then I am totally responsible. This is because I have control over what I do with my feelings and how I handle them. At this point will and choice come into play. I can choose what I will do with my feelings and how I will express them. Consequently, I have a responsibility to handle them wisely and in a non-destructive way. Once we stop feeling guilty because of the way we feel, we usually experience a sense of peace and free up our energies to begin handling our feelings in more constructive ways. 




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